Many couples face relationship conflicts with anxiety and fear, finding them unhealthy and therefore trying to avoid any confrontation. In reality, arguments take place in every family and can actually be healthy.
Conflicts in relationships can be a normal and natural part of a marriage and any form of human connection. Individuals cannot ignore each other's values, boundaries, perspective, and needs. On the contrary, the complete absence of conflict in relationships is unnatural and may signal a mutual indifference of the parties, or the suppression of one partner by the other.
Let's take a closer look at what a conflict actually is, which mistakes lead to it, how to peacefully resolve any that may occur, and how therapy can help.
What is a conflict in a relationship, and why is it actually positive for a couple?
A conflict in a relationship is a clash of different views, interests, perspectives, forms of behavior, and ways to achieve certain goals. A relationship conflict takes place when there is a mismatch around personal boundaries, needs, values, beliefs, behavior, established rules and fixed family roles.
It is an inevitable and even a positive phenomenon in any couple, and here is why.
Partners can become closer to each other.
A conflict in a relationship reveals "weak points" of marriage. Arguments make it possible to open to each other common disagreements and discontent, thus getting to know each other better.
A conflict in a relationship can become a source of new communication patterns.
A confrontation indicates that the partners have different values in particular situations due to different needs. The need to resolve the conflict determines the development of a relationship between family members. This also gives them a chance to get to deeper communication levels.
Avoidance of relationship conflicts has much more serious consequences.
If irritation and passive aggression in a couple accumulates over a long time, an avoidance to communicate at all may result. This can combine with a dissatisfaction which will break out into the form of criticism of a partner, grumbling, shouting, and silence.
Avoiding problems only makes confrontation and communication in a couple worse.
Conflicts in Relationship: 5 Popular Mistakes
Dealing with arguments, confrontation and complications of everyday life requires patience, understanding, and a sincere desire for compromise. To this end, it is important to learn to identify what mistakes we make in order to find a solution and avoid unhappy relationships.
Facing it, always facing it,
that's the way to get through. Face it.
Joseph Conrad
1. Losing individuality
In relationship conflicts, it is necessary to try to find a common ground. However, to achieve this goal, couples sometimes choose the wrong path. One way that leads to an unhappy marriage is sacrificing your individual identity to please the other’s needs.
This may happen because of the fear of losing a partner. In any case, this is unhealthy behavior as each partner actually betrays themselves.
2. Hiding weaknesses
There is no way that a couple will be happy if their relationship is not based on sincerity. Genuine love is born when someone shows themselves to their partner as they are. As a result, hiding under another identity will bring long-term complications, conflict, and frustrations.
Moreover, this attitude hides a deep lack of self-esteem. Someone who tries to falsify themselves shows that they feel unworthy of being loved.
3. Getting caught up in the routine
Another common mistake that produces conflicts in relationships is allowing routine to take hold where there were strong emotions and passion between partners. To avoid routine, it is important to look for ways to introduce novelty, to leave the comfort zone. It’s not that difficult.
4. A desire to change the partner
This is one of the attitudes that occurs in the more “advanced” stages of relationship conflicts. But actually this is the problem that has more to do with nonconformity with oneself than with real rejection of the other.
Someone who is satisfied with their life, who is emotionally responsible for what happens in it, does not seek to change others.
5. Hiding important secrets
Each partner has private matters, regardless of the trust and intimacy that exists between the two. This is healthy. This shows that individuality has been preserved.
However, there are matters that concern both members of the relationship at the same time, hence the importance of not hiding them.
How to Fix Common Mistakes in Relationship Conflicts
During a conflict in a family, partners can behave in completely different ways. Someone breaks the dishes and slams the door. Someone shouts. Someone takes offense and plays silent. All this is because of the fact that throughout relationship conflicts, the most vulnerable sides are exposed.
An individual chooses the most familiar strategies of self-defense. Of course, not all of these methods are constructive.
A conflict in a relationship will become productive only if both partners see what to work on, what to change, and what to pay attention to in the future. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn how to clearly formulate needs and to correctly express dissatisfaction when it comes to confrontation.
These tips will help you navigate the relationship conflict wisely so that it ends with solutions on how to make a marriage stronger.
Make a pause
It is important to make a rule to pause when emotions go wild. Agreeing with the partner on "breaks" in order not to bring the arguing to a higher escalation of fighting.
For example, one can go to the bathroom to wash his or her face or go to the kitchen to drink water, while counting sips or holding their breath for a few seconds.
As a result, it will help activate the brain area responsible for self-control and logical behavior.
Is it better to always be right?
One of the main principles of guidance through a relationship conflict is the understanding that if it takes place, both partners are involved in it. Not all situations can be easily determined with a “who is right and who is wrong” scenario.
In any case, couples should remember that winning a conflict is not about personal gain over the partner, but rather achieving a victory in marriage.
Looking at a situation through the eyes of the partner
In any relationship confrontation, it is necessary to clarify the interests of the partner, to find out what is important to him or her, and how they see the solution to this situation. The ability to look at a situation through the eyes of the other side is very valuable. It is the skill that underlies empathy.
Expressing feelings in the right way
The next step is to identify the feelings and emotions that accompany the relationship conflict, from both sides. It is important to express them in “I” statements, not accusations (“I am very angry when …” instead of “You brought me to …”).
In this case, the partners should give feedback to each other, and then proceed to resolve the conflict.
Come to a certain conclusion
It is important after a relationship conflict to come to certain conclusions: to discuss the reasoning, feelings, and what needs to change in order to resolve it. One must also ask their partner for forgiveness, admit mistakes, and give feedback on the relationship conflicts (“I understand that you were upset that I …”; “I didn't think that you could take it that way, I meant something completely different ... “; “I'm sorry that my words hurt you. I said that because I was very annoyed ... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that”)
Ask for help
One may find themselves in a critical situation with their partner, with no solution being found. At this point, it may be worth asking for help.
Online therapy on Calmerry is one of the most convenient ways to get professional help. Today, in order to contact a therapist or counselor, it is not necessary to leave home (which is actually a great way to get timely help and support at the very moment when needed most).
Of course, not all relationship conflicts end with reconciliation. Some of them lead to a final breakup. In various instances, this may also be a good result because the conflict reveals different values and life principles of partners. Then, getting out of such an unhappy, ineffective, and sometimes frankly destructive relationship becomes the best solution.
