LIFE CAN BE FABULOUS AFTER DIVORCE

Getting a divorce is the second most stressful event on The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory, second only to death of a spouse. Some of the most difficult aspects of divorce include losing the powerful attachment marital bond, having to move home, potentially losing common circles of friends, and having to adapt to new economic circumstances. As difficult as divorce can be, it is also a time in which to grow, and find meaning from the loss of a bond spouses thought they could count on forever. It is also a time to bring a new, more mature self to another relationship. A report by the Pew Research Center has revealed that in four out of every 10 weddings (one fifth of all weddings), one partner was previously married.

Gray Divorce Rates are on the Rise

The fact that people are living longer means that a substantially larger percentage of older people are getting divorced. People are realizing that they have much longer to live and they wish to make the most of it. Sometimes, longstanding marriage do not stand the ultimate test of time because partners grow apart, they have money problems or lifestyle difference, their sex life is waning, or there are past mistakes that couples simply cannot be over.

Tying Loose Ends

To make the most of life after divorce, it is important to end the relationship in as positive a way as possible. For instance, working together to partition common property can reduce the stress and expense that arise when divorce is litigious. Selling the home, providing spousal support if this is due, and aiming to work as a team if children are involved, can make more much smoother sailing and enable one to feel positive about starting a new relationship.

Boosting Your Own Wellbeing

Before even thinking of dating, divorcees can consider ways to improve their wellbeing. Studies have shown that taking part in learning activities can increase self-confidence and expand social networks. Stress, meanwhile, can be reduced through mindfulness activities such as Tai Chi and meditation. Finally, general happiness can be increased through spiritual pursuits – which can range from church worship to yoga or any activity that promotes togetherness and unity.

Time for Dating

When you feel like it is time to date, you can either do so with people you meet through acquaintances, or give online dating a go. As noted in a recent study on the subject, “"Cyber dating permits multiple partner choices in real time, which allows for a significantly greater available choice of potential mates. This increased pool means greater opportunity for selection of partners with lower, similar or even higher levels of certain characteristics.” Other ways to meet people include community activities, religious and/or spiritual groups, and sports.

For some people who are undergoing the pain of divorce, finding love again can seem like an impossibility but the stats are definitely on their side. People are living longer and conforming less with a less-than fulfilling life. If you are undergoing a divorce, take all the time you need to work on yourself, learning from your experiences and bringing your knowledge to any new relationship you undertake in a positive way.

5 REASONS WHY MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE SAYING ‘NO WAY’ TO VALENTINE'S DAY

Dr Sanam Hafeez shares 5 reasons why more and more people are saying no way to Valentine's Day.

Whether you’re in a couple or rolling solo, Valentine’s Day comes with expectation and pressure. With #CoupleGoals as a consistently trending hashtag, countless pictures of couples on social media, the obsession of celebrity break ups and make ups and TV shows like the Bachelor and Bachelorette serving up contrived romance sprinkled with drama, the way we think of love and romance has changed. Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York Board Certified Neuropsychologist explains why so many people say ‘no way’ to Valentine’s Day and offers some alternatives that shift this negative mindset.

1. “Valentine’s Day is a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ and I’m still broke from Christmas.”

When money is tight many people may want to cut back on spending especially for things they feel are frivolous. “Financial stress is a common thing and when people are made to feel pressured to spend, they get resentful and want to claim their power,” explains Dr. Hafeez. Instead of boycotting all romance, put a $20 maximum on gifts and you’ll see how sweet, thoughtful and creative you can get.

2. “Every restaurant is crowded and the service is terrible.”

Nothing kills romance faster than crowds and a bad experience dining out. Since everyone goes out to eat on Valentine’s Day there will be a lapse in service. “One way for couples to celebrate is to call their favorite restaurant in advance and have a meal prepared they can pick up and heat up at home,” suggests Dr. Hafeez. “You can either break out the fancy dishes and dress up or you can put on sweats and eat while watching a movie, the important thing is that you enjoy yourselves and aren’t stressed,” she adds.

3. “We’ve been together for ages. Every day is Valentine’s Day! Do we really need to celebrate?”

“Celebrations and traditions are important in a relationship and when they fall away it’s usually a sign of trouble and disconnection. While you may not feel the need to do anything extravagant use the day to appreciate the love you have and life you’ve created, even if it’s in a small way,” Hafeez advises.

4. “I’m single so what’s the point?”

Rolling solo on Valentine’s Day again, all the more reason to turn it into a Self Love Day. Being single on Valentine’s Day can be tough for people, especially those still healing from a break up or divorce. “You want to really be kind and caring to yourself. Booking a massage, getting a haircut, or arranging a single ladies night with your single friends could be just what’s needed. Focus on creating your own happiness,” says Dr. Hafeez who often sees a link between break up depression and anxiety over holidays.

5. “I’m just to busy for love and romance and all that stuff.”

Some people are just focused on other things that are top priority in their lives. There are plenty of women who are turned on more by generating income for their businesses than concerning themselves with outside approval or validation. There has been a rise in female entrepreneurship with more millenials and Gen X’ers preferring to build empires than romantic relationships. For them it’s just February 14th the midway point to a short month. “There’s nothing wrong with women wanting to focus on their professional lives. They often feel to focus on business, romance, which may cause them to lose focus, has to be shelved for a while, this is more common these days,” Dr. Hafeez shares.

While many say ‘no way’ to Valentine’s Day there are millions saying I DO.

According to a 2017 survey of 1000 people done by James Allen, an online diamond and bridal jewelry retailer, 43 percent of millennials say Valentines Day is their top pick for proposal day. November – February is considered proposal season.

Some other mind-blowing stats that clearly show Cupid isn’t going away anytime soon are.

In 2017, the National Retail Federation put the estimated total spending at over $18.2 billion. That's an average of $136.57 per person.

Jewelry is the most popular gift with 20 percent of consumers expected to buy jewelry, with a total of $4.3 billion on bling, the NRF said.

$2 billion will be spent on flowers, with roses being most popular. 250 million roses are produced for the holiday, the Society of American Florists said.

The American Greeting Card Association puts that industries pay out at 1 BILLION… yes folks $1 … for paper.

MISSION TO LOVE WITH SUSAN TROMBETTI

When one holiday ends, we move onto the next one and during this time of year, Valentine's Day creates a mixture of emotions from romance, inspiration, anxiety and apprehension. There are those looking for love and others who are in it, but are assessing where they are in their journey.

When we realized that we had the opportunity to talk with Susan Trombetti, Matchmaker and CEO of Exclusivematchmaking.net - we wanted to ask all the questions that we had about her
job in finding love for others, assessing our relationships, as well as tips regarding Valentine's Day. Of course, you'll want to use this information beyond the day of love!

ATHLEISURE MAG: Tell us about your background and how you became a matchmaker?

SUSAN TROMBETTI: I owned a skip tracing and asset investigation company. During my time doing investigations, I worked with banks mostly liquidating fraudulent portfolios. One of my specialties is my background in pursuing people that commit identity fraud. Since I have the same skill set as a private investigator, individuals would ask for little favors even though I didn’t do domesticate types of assignments. A little old lady came to me and asked me to find her long lost love from the war when they were together as lovers in Paris over 50 years before. I found him that night and reconnected them. The man had never married after all those years. He said "there has never been anyone else”. When the economy slowed down, good people couldn’t get loans, much less fraudulent people. I had time to think what I wanted to do and not just go through the motions of the investigation business. I decided to become a matchmaker and bring my skills set to the table to do backgrounds on the matches. It comes in handy when you can figure out if someone is lying about their age or marital status. I deal with very wealthy people and they can hire me just to vet the person before they let them in their social circle. I am a matchmaker and relationship investigator.

AM: What is a matchmaker and what role do you have in connecting people to come together to find their match and eventually love?

ST: Matchmakers are headhunters for love. I recruit at a very high level to find someone they match with for their particular needs. I help them get clear on the difference between what they need and want, how to break bad dating habits and patterns that are holding them back, and teach them how to connect. The back story to what I do is important to ensuring that the match flourishes into a lasting relationship.

AM: Are there any celebs that you can share that you have worked with?

ST: I have worked with several, but they are confidential. One I hit on the first introduction and they had a baby by the time they were together a year. They just ran off into the sunset. It was
amazing.

AM: What is the process like in taking on someone who is looking for love - what kinds of questions do you ask to see if they are a match to work with you as well as whether they are truly open for the process?

ST: I ask them what they are looking for to see if it’s superficial. There are only a few criteria I will work with and the rest is just being too picky. I ask about the former relationships to see
if I can identify patterns or problems that are holding them back from finding love. I look to make sure they are commitment minded and truthful.

AM: For those not using a matchmaker, what can they keep in mind when they are prepared to get back out there?

ST: Realize you aren’t perfect. Things have changed. Don’t settle for the first person you meet and go exclusive before 90 days. Just wait. You could save yourself so much heart ache and wear and tear on your emotions.

AM: Finding love is really about being comfortable in being vulnerable with someone due to established trust - what advice or checklist do you have that we can keep in mind (even for those that are in a relationship and need to make sure it's in a good place)?

ST: That’s really a good point. Remove the walls and try to be a little more open, have a little more fun, and invest more time than a cup of coffee when meeting someone. Realize that what
you generally think of as chemistry is just lust. Give chemistry time to develop.

AM: Sometimes the adage of, "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" does take place. How can we be on the lookout for someone who seems good on paper, but has red flags that pop up that we need to be aware of?

ST: By trusting your gut when you meet the wrong person and not continuing if you feel there are red flags. Also, realize what is truly necessary in a relationship and base what you are looking for on that and not where they went to school or their job.

AM: As a matchmaker, it appears that your role is on the front end of obtaining a relationship; however, with your clients - how involved do you stay in the process as it progresses?

ST: Completely involved. They need to think of me like their best friend or we will get nowhere fast. If we don't match, I probably can't match you because I need to understand you in order
to spot your match.

AM: To find the partner that is your best fit, is there a mental checklist that we should use or refer to whether we are looking or believe that we have found that person?

ST: You need to not have a checklist at all. Toss your list. Chances are it’s holding you back. Prepare yourself to observe over time how someone treats you, loves you, and that their actions meet up with their words.

AM: Why do people cheat and can you break down common reasons for men vs women?

ST: People cheat for a number of reasons. Women tend to cheat when they feel they aren’t appreciated and some times men cheat when they don’t feel valued by the woman. They look for validation elsewhere. Women may even cheat more than men at this point. People cheat to stroke their egos, they cheat because they don’t want to end the relationship they are in, they cheat because they are serial cheaters, and they cheat because of opportunity. They also cheat when it’s just a one time mistake. There are people that are cheating emotionally and that’s worse a lot of time.

AM: Sometimes matches don't work even when it seems like it should. Have you had clients that were in a long term relationship (whether they simply lived together or married) that you matched that you were involved in transitioning them to the next relationship? Is there an assessment that is made in terms of realigning their goals to prepare them for the next one and what are tips that you provide that those reading can use in their take away to finding their partner?

ST: No I haven’t had that happen. I think in general if you break up and there are no fatal flaws, you should find away to stay together and work it out in the absence of fatal flaws if you both want to do so. You are only going to meet someone else and there are always challenges to work through. Are you better with the one you are with, or better without them? Do they respect you, do they love you, and will they put forth the effort to reconnect? Stick it out; however, it doesn’t take 2 people as we have been told to make a relationship go wrong. It only takes one that wants out. You can’t do anything when one person wants out. When moving on to the next person if you must, make sure you are emotionally over the ex. Most people ruin a lot of their potential relationships out there when moving on too fast. Everyone is hung up on someone whether it’s real or in your head. Clear that out first.

AM: How can you ensure that you and your partner are connected especially those that are power couples?

ST: By devoting time to each other and TLC no matter what. Those little couple rituals go a long way and act as glue to hold the relationship together.

AM: As a matchmaker, what is the significance of Valentine's Day and how can we infuse it into every day with our loved ones?

ST: Valentine’s Day is a fun, romantic day. It isn’t the end all be all. You celebrate your love all year, but on this one day, it’s a time to stop and have a little romance and flirtation whether you are in a relationship or not. Just have fun! Flirt with your partner if you have one; flirt with the doorman if you don’t.

AM: As someone who loves love - can you share places in NYC that are great sources of feelings of love whether they are restaurants, bars, parks etc?

ST: I think the Boathouse in Central Park and Tavern on the Green are great spots, but also there are just so many. The top of the Empire State Building can be so romantic if you believe the hype behind An Affair to Remember. I can’t say I have only one favorite romantic spot, but these are some of my favorites. Walking through the city staring at the tree at Xmas and skating is so romantic. I think just driving into the city at night looking at all the buildings lit up and seeing the Statue of Liberty is magical.

Read more from the Jan Issue and see Mission to Love with Susan Trombetti.