When one holiday ends, we move onto the next one and during this time of year, Valentine's Day creates a mixture of emotions from romance, inspiration, anxiety and apprehension. There are those looking for love and others who are in it, but are assessing where they are in their journey.
When we realized that we had the opportunity to talk with Susan Trombetti, Matchmaker and CEO of Exclusivematchmaking.net - we wanted to ask all the questions that we had about her
job in finding love for others, assessing our relationships, as well as tips regarding Valentine's Day. Of course, you'll want to use this information beyond the day of love!
ATHLEISURE MAG: Tell us about your background and how you became a matchmaker?
SUSAN TROMBETTI: I owned a skip tracing and asset investigation company. During my time doing investigations, I worked with banks mostly liquidating fraudulent portfolios. One of my specialties is my background in pursuing people that commit identity fraud. Since I have the same skill set as a private investigator, individuals would ask for little favors even though I didn’t do domesticate types of assignments. A little old lady came to me and asked me to find her long lost love from the war when they were together as lovers in Paris over 50 years before. I found him that night and reconnected them. The man had never married after all those years. He said "there has never been anyone else”. When the economy slowed down, good people couldn’t get loans, much less fraudulent people. I had time to think what I wanted to do and not just go through the motions of the investigation business. I decided to become a matchmaker and bring my skills set to the table to do backgrounds on the matches. It comes in handy when you can figure out if someone is lying about their age or marital status. I deal with very wealthy people and they can hire me just to vet the person before they let them in their social circle. I am a matchmaker and relationship investigator.
AM: What is a matchmaker and what role do you have in connecting people to come together to find their match and eventually love?
ST: Matchmakers are headhunters for love. I recruit at a very high level to find someone they match with for their particular needs. I help them get clear on the difference between what they need and want, how to break bad dating habits and patterns that are holding them back, and teach them how to connect. The back story to what I do is important to ensuring that the match flourishes into a lasting relationship.
AM: Are there any celebs that you can share that you have worked with?
ST: I have worked with several, but they are confidential. One I hit on the first introduction and they had a baby by the time they were together a year. They just ran off into the sunset. It was
AM: What is the process like in taking on someone who is looking for love - what kinds of questions do you ask to see if they are a match to work with you as well as whether they are truly open for the process?
ST: I ask them what they are looking for to see if it’s superficial. There are only a few criteria I will work with and the rest is just being too picky. I ask about the former relationships to see
if I can identify patterns or problems that are holding them back from finding love. I look to make sure they are commitment minded and truthful.
AM: For those not using a matchmaker, what can they keep in mind when they are prepared to get back out there?
ST: Realize you aren’t perfect. Things have changed. Don’t settle for the first person you meet and go exclusive before 90 days. Just wait. You could save yourself so much heart ache and wear and tear on your emotions.
AM: Finding love is really about being comfortable in being vulnerable with someone due to established trust - what advice or checklist do you have that we can keep in mind (even for those that are in a relationship and need to make sure it's in a good place)?
ST: That’s really a good point. Remove the walls and try to be a little more open, have a little more fun, and invest more time than a cup of coffee when meeting someone. Realize that what
you generally think of as chemistry is just lust. Give chemistry time to develop.
AM: Sometimes the adage of, "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" does take place. How can we be on the lookout for someone who seems good on paper, but has red flags that pop up that we need to be aware of?
ST: By trusting your gut when you meet the wrong person and not continuing if you feel there are red flags. Also, realize what is truly necessary in a relationship and base what you are looking for on that and not where they went to school or their job.
AM: As a matchmaker, it appears that your role is on the front end of obtaining a relationship; however, with your clients - how involved do you stay in the process as it progresses?
ST: Completely involved. They need to think of me like their best friend or we will get nowhere fast. If we don't match, I probably can't match you because I need to understand you in order
to spot your match.
AM: To find the partner that is your best fit, is there a mental checklist that we should use or refer to whether we are looking or believe that we have found that person?
ST: You need to not have a checklist at all. Toss your list. Chances are it’s holding you back. Prepare yourself to observe over time how someone treats you, loves you, and that their actions meet up with their words.
AM: Why do people cheat and can you break down common reasons for men vs women?
ST: People cheat for a number of reasons. Women tend to cheat when they feel they aren’t appreciated and some times men cheat when they don’t feel valued by the woman. They look for validation elsewhere. Women may even cheat more than men at this point. People cheat to stroke their egos, they cheat because they don’t want to end the relationship they are in, they cheat because they are serial cheaters, and they cheat because of opportunity. They also cheat when it’s just a one time mistake. There are people that are cheating emotionally and that’s worse a lot of time.
AM: Sometimes matches don't work even when it seems like it should. Have you had clients that were in a long term relationship (whether they simply lived together or married) that you matched that you were involved in transitioning them to the next relationship? Is there an assessment that is made in terms of realigning their goals to prepare them for the next one and what are tips that you provide that those reading can use in their take away to finding their partner?
ST: No I haven’t had that happen. I think in general if you break up and there are no fatal flaws, you should find away to stay together and work it out in the absence of fatal flaws if you both want to do so. You are only going to meet someone else and there are always challenges to work through. Are you better with the one you are with, or better without them? Do they respect you, do they love you, and will they put forth the effort to reconnect? Stick it out; however, it doesn’t take 2 people as we have been told to make a relationship go wrong. It only takes one that wants out. You can’t do anything when one person wants out. When moving on to the next person if you must, make sure you are emotionally over the ex. Most people ruin a lot of their potential relationships out there when moving on too fast. Everyone is hung up on someone whether it’s real or in your head. Clear that out first.
AM: How can you ensure that you and your partner are connected especially those that are power couples?
ST: By devoting time to each other and TLC no matter what. Those little couple rituals go a long way and act as glue to hold the relationship together.
AM: As a matchmaker, what is the significance of Valentine's Day and how can we infuse it into every day with our loved ones?
ST: Valentine’s Day is a fun, romantic day. It isn’t the end all be all. You celebrate your love all year, but on this one day, it’s a time to stop and have a little romance and flirtation whether you are in a relationship or not. Just have fun! Flirt with your partner if you have one; flirt with the doorman if you don’t.
AM: As someone who loves love - can you share places in NYC that are great sources of feelings of love whether they are restaurants, bars, parks etc?
ST: I think the Boathouse in Central Park and Tavern on the Green are great spots, but also there are just so many. The top of the Empire State Building can be so romantic if you believe the hype behind An Affair to Remember. I can’t say I have only one favorite romantic spot, but these are some of my favorites. Walking through the city staring at the tree at Xmas and skating is so romantic. I think just driving into the city at night looking at all the buildings lit up and seeing the Statue of Liberty is magical.